I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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