no, he came in my armpit
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He? As in you personified your dick?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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