saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
