im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
