This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
