Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
this boner is exhausting
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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