it was like his penis was on wheels.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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