i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
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