Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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