Your face is a jimmy john
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize