If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
