You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
