I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
