Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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