at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Randomize