my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
