I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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