forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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