In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
