Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
