I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
