I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
