I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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