woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
