The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
