Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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