I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
i think im in europe. pls send help
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
