how can u be prego again
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Let's get the cat blown out
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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