VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
