There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
