I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
