This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
splinters make it hard to masturbate
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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