hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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