The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He did a backflip because drugs
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
