Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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