This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
What drink are we having for lunch?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
