I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
