I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
