totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize