How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
