There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
