I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
