I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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