update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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