my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
