i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
