bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
