whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I have fence marks all over my body
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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