hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
