the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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