a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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