So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
