shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize