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Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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