It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
