he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
