but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
