Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
