Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
