Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
